Develop Stronger Foundations: 2. Stop self-judging

Learn self-acknowledgement, self-appreciation, and stop self-judging

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Learn to be your own parent, your best friend, and your own mentor

We are often our own worst critics. The most crippling self-doubts, the most needling self-judgments, the most insidious self-loathing... Our minds are very capable of our own sabotage.

The good news is, those negative inner voices aren’t necessarily malicious to their core. Think of them as well-intentioned self-criticisms but with bad messaging. For example, when most parents discipline or punish their children, it isn’t normally because they enjoy hurting their kids, it’s just because they think their kids can do better.

So the best way dealing with the self criticizing voices is to become aware of what the underlying message truly is:

1. Consider the negative message, writing it down if need be

2. Examine how objectively true it really is

3. Explore what the more positive underlying message is

4. Re-orient how you hear the negative message by focussing on how your subconscious is trying to make you better

Fear and self-preservation

Self-criticisms and other self-limiting beliefs can also simply be a signal that we are stepping out of our comfort zone. Our subconscious is simply trying to save us from embarrassment, discomfort or perceived danger.

In such cases, the easiest and most comfortable way forwards is often avoiding change, and maintaining the status quo. But, this very rarely allows for any growth or evolution. So, when we encounter any limiting self talk:

1. Examine if the limiting claim is objectively true. If it isn’t true, then dismiss it as

an illusion and try to move on

2. And even if it is true, that isn’t necessarily a reason not to do something, especially if you want a change. For example, many stand-up comedians and even performing pop stars are actually very shy and introverted, and performing in front of many people is scary each and every time. But, despite that very real fear, they can still enjoy performing for their fans! In 2013 for example, Britney Spears opened up about her anxiety and crippling shyness — traits most people wouldn’t imagine such a famous and provocative entertainer would have!

3. Decide if the discomfiting action is something you really want to do, and if you are ready (in skills and resources) to take the plunge

4. If it is something you can make happen, then go for it and commit

The illusion of perfection

Self-acknowledgment an self-appreciation are linked. But before developing both, it is important to understand the role of perfection in our society. You can almost think of perfection as a chronic widespread disease. Standards of perfection (in physical beauty, fulfilling social roles, attaining financial standing) exist all around us. We are constantly bombarded with both images and ideas aspiring to perfection and conformity with aspiring to such perfection.

Just think of the impossible standards of beauty that exist for women, but also increasingly men. Think of the social roles different genders have traditionally been celebrated when adhered to. Think of the obsession with material possessions and the attainment with ever more wealth.

But, perfection simply does not exist. It is an illusion of a standard out of our reach, and trying your best to make that illusion a reality will end up making us sick.

● Imagine a young girl who fits the ideal standard of beauty for her culture. For a while, it may be great. But as she ages, so too will her physical features, and she will slowly but surely be seen as less beautiful than younger girls who will take her place.

● Picture a seemingly dutiful husband, sacrificing his own dreams to be a good man for his wife (because he thinks that is his duty) even though he stopped loving her many years ago and his own happiness is dying as he feels trapped by his commitments and the duties imposed on him by society and his own self.

● Think of a powerful and successful businessperson who has amassed more wealth than they know what to do with, but who is afraid of dying alone as attaining such heights of professional success has meant never being able to develop and sustain genuinely loving relationships.

Everyone deviates from the ‘norm’ in some ways. Inevitably, that means that attempting to attain perfection will mean having to try to be something we are not in order to address such ‘deviation’. It’s like forcing a square peg into a round hole. This process robs us of our innate freedom to be ourselves.

You might know of some people with extreme behavioral changes between the daytime and nighttime. This is the Jekyll & Hyde syndrome. This is simply a sign of not being balanced and being repressed for too long — their yearning is to find a space to be themselves, but manifested in an extreme manner.

So what can we do?

Well, we need to have the bravery and courage to admit and accept that we are our own unique individual. We are not what society demands of us. And we do not need to behave like what is expected of us. You don’t need to be perfect. Nor do you need to seek anyone’s approval, especially when you as an adult have your own ability to judge and decide what is good for you and the ability to be responsible over your decision.

We have the option to learn to be honest about who we are and who we are not. The best decision is often a decision that benefits the person and where the change is something that has consciously been aspired to. No one can be forced or should be forced. Any forced changes simply would not last. Think of a friend or a relative who has an unhealthy habit (like smoking or over-eating). Unless that person wants to stop, there is little anyone around them can do to make them stop long-term.

Remember also, that perfect is an impossible standard. Perfect doesn’t exist. So, don’t try to be perfect, or you’ll end up making yourself unhappy chasing after something that can never be achieved. Instead of striving for perfection, define for yourself the scenario you want and determine the most feasible way to achieve it. Be committed to be your best self in such a context that you are taking care of your well being and enriching yourself towards your path to self-actualization.

Accept and grow from your perceived flaws

Kintsugi is a Japanese art of mending broken porcelain with lacquer dusted or mixed with precious metals such as gold or silver. As a way of living, this aspect of Japanese philosophy accepts such breakages as a natural part of an object’s history, rather than something to be disguised or a reason to discard the object.

Scars — both on and under the surface, and earned or suffered in life — need not be hidden away in shame. Suffering hardships or pain does not mean you are irreparably broken. And even if you fall, you can be mended and be even stronger for having survived.

Self-acceptance is about accepting your flaws, your ‘shadow’, if you will. It can be a physical aspect, a label imposed by yourself or others, or even a negative life situation such as unemployment, illness or divorce. This can be a difficult and painful process:

1. Acknowledge the facts of the situation. Don’t be in denial, because in a war between your denial and reality, reality will always win out.

2. Consciously decide if you are content with the facts of the situation.

3. If you are, then accept it as part of your new reality and the evolution of your story.

4. If you aren’t, take action to change it.

The point is making a decision, taking action, and tracking the progress till the goal is reached. But, it must be your decision.

Have you ever been in love, and/or in a committed relationship? Have you ever had your heart broken or had a relationship break down and end? Just because that relationship failed, doesn’t mean your next one will fail. Having said that, you cannot guarantee that the next relationship will succeed either. So don’t let your relationship status define who you are.

Instead, accept that a relationship has ended. Decide whether you want to be single or attached. If you like being in relationships, then you now have an opportunity to make a new one. If you prefer your own company, then you now have your own space. Just focus on what you want and don’t make your future be beholden to your past.

In every dark cloud, there is a silver lining! There is always an opportunity for something new and maybe better if we look hard enough, get ourselves out from the drama, and take decisive action.

Know your own worth

Never sell yourself short feeling you aren’t good enough. The danger in not appreciating yourself is actually discrediting your value as a person. It is a symptom of low self-esteem. The antidote to low self-esteem is embracing your own worth. Embrace your shadow. Take personal credit for the positives, and accept the negatives as part of your history. Be thankful for both as having given you opportunities for growth and evolution that will ultimately help you achieve more of what you want.

Of course, don’t get carried away! Be positive in your own self-appreciation, but be honest. Give yourself credit where credit is due, no less, and no more. Having a bloated ego is just as bad as poor self-esteem. Simply be proud of who you are. Know that no one is broken, we are just the result of our circumstance at that moment in time. Everything can change as we evolve from state A to state B. We also learn to celebrate where we have come to based on where we have come from. What matters most is that don’t stagnate. We are always moving towards our next goal and our next state of being.

Most important of all, acknowledge the small victories and the little steps. You don’t need to only celebrate large milestones. Reflecting on small changes will help you build momentum and stay motivated. Finally, grade yourself by your own standards, not by anyone else’s. It’s fine to seek advice, listen to others, and refer to others’ wisdom. But, set your own rules and standards when monitoring your own growth.

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